Well, I haven't posted here in ages... So I figured a post would do some good.

It's that time of year again, Summer. The time when I head off back to live with my parents while between years at University. This time, leaving University was alot harder, more upsetting, and more "scary" than last year. The prospect of Three months with the family is quite daunting, while I'm here, no-one talks to me, it's gotten to the point where I feel like it's that family and the guy that lives with them (me) for a few months a year. But, that's not what's bothering me right now.

I mentioned "The One" in my previous posts. Well, leaving Stoke behind for the summer, meant leaving him behind too. I don't know how to talk to him any more, I love him so much, but obviously this isn't reciprocated. He's my first thought when I wake up, and I think of nothing else all day.
I'll always remember the first night I met him, when I went to his house, and we just sat talking for hours, I ended up spending the night there and he held me in his arms all night. On my last night in Stoke, I spent the night at his (as friends)and I was so desperate for that first night to be repeated, for him to talk to me like he did, and hold me in his arms.
The next morning, I told him how I felt, and he told me I had to move on, but the idea of meeting, and loving anyone else as much as this seems unbearable, "The One" is who I want, no-one else and I would do anything to get another chance with him.

Right now, I feel totally heartbroken, and this on top of everything else I'm worrying about, (such as family, friends, money)has me feeling worse than ever. It feels like every moment would be spent in tears, but, I must hold everything back, no-one wants to know, nor cares. Everyone too wrapped up in their own feelings, to ask how I'm doing. That may sound selfish, I know, but not one person has asked how I'm doing, how I'm coping yet all want to "offload" on me, telling me their problems. I always thought friendship was a two-way thing, clearly, those that call themselves my friend don't feel quite the same.

I guess, I'll have to keep going, putting one foot in front of the other, and keep fighting whatever is thrown at me. I know one day I'll feel happy again, but right now I can't see it, and that "silver lining" of this incredibly large cloud, has yet to show itself. Maybe one day...

Well. What can I say, everything has fallen apart.
I fell in love. And then, we broke up. I finally find the guy I can see me spending my future with, and it all ends. Why? I don't even understand.... This one was "The One", nothing even comes close to how I felt, and still do feel, about him. To have it taken away so abruptly hurts physically. When "The One" told me, I was literally heart-broken. I couldn't imagine not being with him. Everything I wont get to share with him again, the good times we had, everything.... Earlier, I thought I'd accepted it, judging by the way I feel now, I was completely wrong.
What am I supposed to do? Move on... accept it... forget about it? I don't want any of those things... I want "The One".
It just seems like, every time I get close to someone, be it a love interest, or friend, I get pushed away. Now, is it just me, or is there a pattern emerging here? What is it that people don't like about me? Why does everyone suddenly pull back, and then eventually cut off all contact? I do my best to try and please them, while trying to stay happy myself, and yet it still all falls apart. I thought that "The One" was going to be different... that we'd keep getting closer, and closer, and that there was actually a future in it. That eventually we could settle down together, do all that sort of thing. But no, it ends before it even really started.
Everyone keeps saying "things will get better"... I say... Tell me how, and when, 'cos right now, things look bleak and don't look like they're going to improve much. Ok, so I meet new people, make new friends, and then it all happens again, and again, and again. When will things get better?
I know it's not "The One's" fault, if it's not working for him, then it's not a good idea to carry on, it'd just end up with both of us getting hurt. But knowing that doesn't make things any easier. No-one compares to "The One" and I don't know how I'll even look at anyone else in the same way.
The only thing I can think of doing right now, is meeting some people, and getting totally drunk, so I don't have to think about any of this any more. I wont turn to alcohol, but just for one night, I don't want to cry, and I don't want to think about any of the crap stuff. Go out with some people, drink, and dance. And so, tomorrow night, even though I have a tonne of Uni work to do, that's what I'm going to do. I'm not going out to pull, or to meet a new guy, just to get drunk so I don't have to think about this. The, once that's over, I'll get my Uni work out of the way, and take things from there.

Well... That was quite the post, if only I could use these things for my essays...
Time to go before I bore you too much.

Darren
xxx

Last week I met this great guy, Marv. He's really good looking and has a great personality to match. On Sunday, I came back home to my parent's house in Leeds, and I can't wait to go back to see Marv.
I came out to my Mum on Sunday night, when I arrived back in Leeds. Said said she was fine with it, but for some reason I get the feeling she's not. Things have been really weird since. I don't know how to explain it, it's just... Weird. I always feel trapped when I'm back here, like I lose all the freedom I have at uni. And so... Instead of going back to Stoke on the 4th of April like I planned, I'm going this Friday or Saturday. I don't think I could cope the whole time I was supposed to be here... So going back earlier is probably the best option.
I think one of the problems being at home this time is I left my anti-depressants back in Stoke, by accident, and it seems to have made my mood drop considerably. That said, I just feel really uncomfortable here right now, so going back is best.
The only problem with this plan is that I don't want to alienate myself from my family, if that happens, then I wont have a home any more. But, if I keep feeling like this every time I come here, then I can't keep coming back, as much as a love my family, I don't get along with them.

Marv has said he'd help me, which is great, so I guess I'll just have to see how the rest of this week goes before I go back before I decide what to do for the summer holidays when I finish Uni.

Update you all later.
xxx

Ok, so finally The Oracle lets me know where he and I stand. Basically... Nowhere. Nothing will ever happen with that relationship, so it's time to move on. I know it's unlikely we'll speak much any more and the whole "we'll still be friends" thing is a lie. But... at least that's not confusing me any more.

In general... I feel like crap. People continue to amaze me,reaching new lows everyday. The one true friend I have, was being bullied in the house she was living in. So she decided to move back to her parents, and commute to university. She spends two nights a week at her boyfriend's house, and just recently, was told by her boyf's housemates: "we wouldn't care if you killed yourself". Now... What kind of person says that to someone they know is depressed, and having loads of problems already. To be honest, they way people are acting at the moment completely disgusts me.

I've taken a new attitude towards "friends" now. I'm only going to put into the relationship, what I get out of it. Why should I put all the effort in and end up not getting anything back?

People need to learn how to be nice....

Darren
xxx

It all seems rather pointless at the moment... What can I say? Once again, I feel like crap. I know exactly what got me in this mood, yet there's nothing I can do to stop it in the future.
You know when you like someone? And I mean REALLY like... yet, you know that it's never going to happen? I know... depressing isn't it? Welcome to my world. The funny thing is... If I actually had anyone to talk to, then it wouldn't be so bad, but since my "friends" (and I use the term "friends" VERY loosely) seem to have all abandoned me, it's not so great right now. They only bother if I'm actually within sight, otherwise I seem to get the feeling it's "Out of sight, out of mind". Now, if I think about this a little more objectively, then I still reach the same conclusion. In any relationship, be it with a love interest, family or friends, it all has to work in a "give and take" way. Sadly, I seem to be giving and not taking anything. The "friends" seem to reap all the benefits of my friendship, yet I don't seem to get anything back. I think it's about time I became a little more assertive and sorted them out. So here's what I do, over the course of the next few days, I'll have a little "chat" with each one in turn. See what they have to say, and if I feel the same way as I do now about it, they're gone. Ruthless? Very, but how else am I supposed to protect myself against them? I can't be doing with these two-faced bitches who seem to think it's ok to insult someone behind their back and then be all nicey-nice to their face. One thing they always forget is, I know a lot of people (more acquaintances than friends) and I always seem to hear the "he said she said" rubbish. Well now, they're going to have to face the music, if they don't like what I have to say, then tough, cos' I'm going to say it anyway.

As you can tell... a rather upbeat mood (can you tell I'm being sarcastic?)

Just to finish on a good note. I finished both my essays now. Just need to wait until uni opens in a few hours so I can go hand them in.

Thought of the day:
When do things start to get better?

Ok. It's 4:43am and I've just got back from work. Not in a great mood. crappy customers at the bar I work in doesn't help.

Yesterday sent a message to the Oracle, basically stating the fact I'm not happy that we don't talk any more. Considering we split on good terms, I don't think this was too unreasonable....
I know he's going through a lot at the moment, but I can't keep thinking of others all the time. I spend about 75% of my life worrying about everyone else, and often tend to overlook how I'm doing. I think it's about time I got a little more selfish and started to do what's best for me. Like I say, we split on good terms, he was the first person I actually liked, and could see myself "with". So it hurts even more when we don't talk any more. I said when we split, "If I can't have you as a partner, then at the very least, I'd like us to remain friends." As much as it's hurting at the moment, I don't think I could cope if yet another "friend" just cut me out of their life and didn't bother any more. I've had more than enough people already, and for someone I like this much to do the same kinda pushes me over the edge.
I started off yesterday in a really good mood, I managed to finish one essay, leaving me the whole of today to do the second. And then I got a reply from the Oracle, saying "I can't deal with this right now, my heart's breaking" [because of his Ex], well... sorry if it seems a little egocentric... but how the hell am I supposed to feel?

Anyway, with that said, I think it's seriously time I started thinking about myself, and what's best for me, for a while. Worrying about "friends" and trying to help them has made me lose sight of what I'm going through. I'm going to sort myself out before I try to help them.

I was thinking earlier today, just in general about "bad" stuff that's going on in the world, and how some people think they have it so bad because they don't know how to deal with their trivial and petite problems. I mean, can they not think of anything else other than "what do I do if people don't like what I'm wearing?". Seriously, I really do think it's about time that those people who spend all their time looking at stupid little problems they have, should take the time to expand their knowledge of what's going on in the world, maybe then, they'll be able to overcome such trivial issues. I think today was the day I lost faith in people. you hear about people that give their time to others, trying to help in any way they can, but you don't hear about them nearly as often as those who are mostly self-centred, egocentric, and down-right idiotic. All through life we're taught to be "good" people, but to be honest, very few people actually take this on board, leaving those who do to struggle through life.

I really should get back to writing this essay, so I'll leave it there for now.
bye x

Thought of the Day:
You can help change the world with one act of random kindness every day.

Well... What can I say? I had what was a great dream, but when i woke up, it made me feel even worse. In the dream, a guy I was seeing a couple of weeks ago proposed to me, it was really sweet and everything, until I woke up. The guy (from now on will be known as "The Oracle") broke up with me a couple of weeks ago because he's having a really rough time, no thanks to his stupid Ex. His Ex cheated on him, and basically treat him like crap, which has put the Oracle in one of those mind-sets where he's not ready for a relationship, spoiling my chances. If i knew who the Ex was, then he'd have to watch his back. I really liked this guy, and I know he really liked me too. Don't you just hate it when a potential partner is screwed up by their Ex, thus making any further relationships with you virtually impossible. Needles to say, I'm not happy about the whole thing, but there's nothing I can do about it, so... C'est la vie.

The second "issue" (for want of a better word) is the fact I have these two essays to write. One on Criminology, and one on psychology. I've done about half of the Criminology essay, and haven't started on Psych. To be honest, it's my own fault I'm so stressed over them, I did get the essay titles back in January, I just wasn't motivated to write them. They're both due in on Thursday, so hopefully I have enough time to do all the readings and then actually write the damn things.

So, basically, today's not going so great. Stress, feelings of loss and general "unhappiness" seem to be the theme for the moment.

Thoughts for the Day:
Kill the Oracle's Ex (lol... only joking... maybe just hurt him a little... maybe...)

Ok, So I've never really done this before, but I'll do my best, and hopefully you'll enjoy reading.

Just a few things about me first:
I'm gay. I know, not that big a deal, but sadly there are some people that still don't accept people because of this. If you fit into that category, then don't read on, and don't bother leaving comment or sending messages as I wont even dignify "negative" comments with a response.
I'm studying Psychology and Criminology for a Dual Honours Degree at university. I find them quite interesting, and can't wait until I graduate and get a job working with young offenders.
I'm 19, although, sometimes I feel a lot older, sometimes maybe that I grew up a little too early.
I like to see myself as a nice guy, I'll do anything I can to help others, although it does have adverse affects which I'll talk about later.
Finally, the thing that prompted me to write this blog. I'm currently suffering from depression, and it was suggested this might be a good way to "release" some of the stress and "bad" feelings that come along with that label.
I'll basically talk about stuff that I feel has an important influence on my day to day life, I'll try not to bore you, but then, if you don't like it, then you don't have to read it.

I think that's enough for now. I'll probably pop online every couple of days and update letting everyone know what's going on.

Thoughts of the day:
There's lots to think about, but nothing to worry about.